Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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