I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
