we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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