Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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