You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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