Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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