My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize