What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
