between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
