so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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