Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
