I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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