my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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