I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
