Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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