Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
