I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
