garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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