Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is it because I queefed?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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