I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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