Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You've changed since you got that strap on
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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