shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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