we have pet lesbian snakes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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