I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
