Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
