I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
