Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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