i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
