I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
