Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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