Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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