I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Randomize
