I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize