Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
