I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
