Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
