I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize