You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
