A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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