She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
