final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
