Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You're like the curious george of whores
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
