Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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