Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.

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(509): View more from Washington

I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(360): View more from Washington

In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�

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(251): View more from Alabama

Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.

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