They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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