we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
