I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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