I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
