why didn't you poke me back
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
