I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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