My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
