Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
