life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
