Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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