the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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