Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize