Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
