I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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