sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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