Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
