When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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