I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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